Ladies, can I get a show of hands! Who has husbands that take 15 to 30 min long poops?!?! I thought it was just mine, then I joined a mommy’s group and started hearing about how common this phenomenon actually really is. Who would’ve thought?!?!
So I began making it a point in our household. “Look babe, I just went into the washroom, pooped, and washed my hands in less than 15 seconds! Take that!” And he would look at me like “Wow, good job!” With a non-chalant grin and a weird look on his face.
It’s not surprising though really, right??! They literally invented dry shampoo so women could just quickly wash their hair in the morning without having to take the time to take an actual shower. They invented face wipes so instead of taking the time to soak a cloth, put their hair up in a bandana, or a headband, women can just wash their faces on the fly with a one wipe swipe.
We literally wake up in the morning, dress our kids, dress ourselves, feed our kids, feed ourselves, make our lunches, make their lunches, brush our teeth, brush our kids’ teeth, make sure we’re ready for the day and make sure they have everything they need to survive their day. My husband..wakes up, brushes his teeth, makes his coffee, and goes to work! The odd morning, he is around, he will help us get packed up and get ready to head out the door because he actually is an amazing guy to share a household with, but I can guarantee that he always has the time to take a 15-minute poop before heading out for his day. I’m just so jealous.
So, women, I ask you this, who really is the smarter sex? What are we doing to ourselves? Take the 15-minute freaking poop with your phone, and lock the dang door. Take the half hour shower and wash your face and hair like a normal human being did before face wipes and dry shampoo were invented. We harp on our husbands because we think how dare they?!? How dare they have time to spend 30 minutes on the toilet on their phones. I say, if you can’t beat them, you might as well freaking join them.
Let’s be honest, they are not physiologically different! They do not have 9-foot-long colons that work at warp speed. They literally just feel like their time in life is better spent watching videos of dancing dogs, seeing pictures of woman half dressed, strategically posed and filtered to the extreme or fighting over who’s pulling ahead in fantasy football and how Tom shouldn’t even be winning because “he doesn’t even know what he’s doing!”. Good on them!
So, women of the world, it’s Sunday evening, you’re finishing dinner, getting everything cleaned up, I’m telling you right now, take your phone to the bathroom, and lock the door! Just do it! Set the timer, spend atleast 20 minutes in there. And then, for good measure, walk out and proudly announce to the family “do NOT go in there”! You owe it to yourself, girl.